Movie Details
Beretta’s Island (1993)
Director-: : Michael Preece
Cast-Franco Columbu Ken Kercheval Elizabeth Kaitan
Movie type- Action/Adventure
Release date- 23 August
IMDB Rating-2.7
Languages- Italian, English, and German.
Duration-1 Hour 35 Minutes
Trailer
Synopsis
Sometimes someone who achieves mastery in one field tries his hand at another, only to fail spectacularly and expose himself to ridicule. For example, a bodybuilder who wants to become an actor. No, I’m not thinking about Arnold Schwarzenegger now, because he also reached the top in the film world, but about his barbell friend – Franco Columbu from Sardinia. At some point, he wanted to follow Arnold’s lead and also stand in front of the camera. Although he had already appeared as an extra in Schwarzenegger’s films, he dreamed of playing the main role. And honestly, there are no words to describe “Beretta Island”. This is such an extremely bad movie that it defies any standards. In fact, by scratching the bottom from underneath, he creates his own. And in that sense it is an absolute masterpiece.
But let’s start from the beginning. Franco Columbu stars in the film, written and produced by Franco Columbu. The main character’s name is Franco… Armando (to avoid identification), nicknamed “Beretta” because he likes to shoot. Already in the first scene, the camera focuses on Franco Colum… that is, on Franco Armando, and in the background the narrator (guess who) introduces us to this extraordinary story: “Since I left Interpol, I have had time for myself. I can ride a motorcycle and make wine. I’m happy”. And we already know at this point that it’s going to be rough. Of course, as action movie cliché goes, Franco doesn’t stay quiet for long. A man from Interpol asks him for help because things are going badly in Sardinia. Our hero, after deep consideration that lasts maybe two seconds, takes matters into his hands, as thick as (slightly hewn) oak trunks…
I would write that everything is in “Beretta’s Island”, but that would not fully reflect what is happening on the screen. Franco Columbu has neither Schwarzenegger’s charisma, nor his stature, nor his accent, nor anything at all. However, it has the expression of concrete in the cold. In the scenes when he holds a gun, he swings it as if he was searching for vials of anabolic drugs… The dialogues, which often move from thread to thread without a clear reason, are a masterpiece of clumsiness. There is no shortage of fantastic cinematography ideas here: the camera shows the corpse of a gangster, then shifts and focuses on a gurgling turkey walking nearby. If that’s not a poetic metaphor for the fragility of human life, I don’t know what is. Maybe the scene where Franco drives up to the bandits’ villa, tells his partner to keep an eye on the car, but when she protests, he sends her to the bandits and he stays with the car?
Chases and shootings, the quintessence of every action adventurer, are a topic for a separate article. The former actually do not appear, which is a pity, because I would like to see the daring driving of Franco Col…Armando driving a Fiat Uno on Sardinian roads, chasing criminals who squeeze the last juices out of a streamlined car like a truck full of cinder blocks. Unfortunately, the chases look like this: the people in this movie get into a car, there’s a cut, and then they get out. Fighting games, however, are as far from spectacular as scripts for Shakespeare’s works.
The accumulation of stupidity in just ninety minutes of screening is a real achievement and deserves a special award for it. If you think that productions like “Sharknado”, “Shark Shark”, “Piranha Women” or films with Dolph Lundgren or Steven Seagal made in Bulgaria and Romania for a sack of potatoes are bad, watch “Beretta Island”. I can’t convey even a small part of how very, catastrophically, extremely, extremely bad this title is. But that’s why the show is incredibly fun and I highly recommend it. Clumsiness in every aspect, dialogues screaming for vengeance, absolutely artificial actors, editing mistakes, unnecessary scenes (for example, when the camera shows a mass in a Sardinian church for a few minutes, which has no significance for the plot) and Franco’s wooden Pinocchio performance Columbu (who also gives a vocal performance!) ensures that you will have an unforgettable session. Arnold, although he appears on the poster, appears at the beginning for a few minutes as a favor for a friend. The worst TV stations and record baskets in supermarkets were invented for such films!
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